Eric Perlin
2008-01-29 17:10:45 UTC
BUSINESS IS BOOMING
By Eric Perlin
©Copyright 1996, 2005 by Eric Perlin
Cast of characters:
STAN LAUREL
OLIVER HARDY
GENERAL JAMES FINLAYSON
(The Laurel and Hardy theme tune, "Dance of the Cuckoos" is heard, followed by a
medley of old-fashioned instrumental tunes that continue to be heard in the
background for the duration of the film. In the opening shot, there is a
close-up of a sign reading "Pentagon" with an arrow pointing diagonally upwards.
The camera backs up, and we see STAN and OLLIE walking up a steep hill, carrying
a heavy, cumbersome, bullet-shaped object.)
OLLIE: This was a fine idea you had, Stanley. Building our own atomic bomb and
selling it to the Pentagon.
(STAN proudly nods his head and grins, then accidentally drops the bomb on
OLLIE's
foot.)
OLLIE: (Howls in pain.) Why don't you be careful?! Don't you realize the
slightest jar could set this thing off?
STAN: Well, I couldn't help it...
OLLIE: Come on!
(STAN and OLLIE walk a few more steps and arrive at the front door of the
Pentagon building.)
OLLIE: Now let's put it down nice and easy.
(STAN drops it. OLLIE winces.)
OLLIE: (Clutching his heart) I told you to take it easy!
STAN: I dropped it as easily as I could.
(STAN reaches his hand to the door, about to knock. Before STAN can knock, OLLIE
slaps STAN's hand away. OLLIE pompously points to himself, fancifully rotates
his hand in the air, then knocks. After a few seconds, the door quietly opens
while OLLIE's back is to it.)
(GENERAL FIN is at the door, and OLLIE accidentally knocks on his head.)
GENERAL FIN: What can I do for you?
OLLIE: (removes his hat) Good day, Sir. I'm Mister Hardy, and this is my friend
Mister Laurel.
STAN: (holding out his hand) How do you do.
OLLIE: (Unthinkingly shakes STAN's hand) How do you do. (Suddenly catches
himself and shoves STAN's hand down.) We were wondering if we could interest you
in buying our homemade atomic bomb for the Pentagon.
GENERAL FIN: No, thank you. We have orders from the secretary of defense to make
due with the weapons we have, and not to obtain any weapons we would like to
have. (Closes the door.)
STAN: Well, that's that.
OLLIE: "That's that," nothing. Remember, Stanley: A good salesman never takes no
for an answer.
STAN: That's right, Ollie. A bird in the hand is worth a pound of cure, but you
can't count your chickens with one stone.
(OLLIE nods in agreement, then does a take to register bewilderment.)
OLLIE: (irritated) "One stone"! Hmmm!
(OLLIE again knocks at the door. GENERAL FIN answers again. When he sees it's
the same two salesmen, he registers his famous "one-eye" take.)
OLLIE: Pardon this intrusion, but I neglected to mention that this fine bomb is
backed by our limited warrantee.
STAN: That's right. If it goes off accidentally, you get half your money back.
GENERAL FIN: I don't care if I get twice my money back! I told you two nitwits
we are not buying any atom bombs this year! Now beat it! (Slams the door.)
OLLIE: After all that work we did to assemble this thing.
STAN: (Long pause, then his face suddenly lights up, indicating a flash of
inspiration.) I've got an idea. (STAN knocks. GENERAL FIN opens the door yet
again, one eye bulging with even greater exasperation than before. STAN is
smiling obliviously.) Can we take your order for *next* year?
(GENERAL FIN slams the door again.)
STAN: You think we ought to try again?
OLLIE: I most certainly do. After all, what have we got to lose?
(STAN shrugs his shoulders. OLLIE knocks again. GENERAL FIN opens the door
again.)
GENERAL FIN: (Squints one eye again, registering even greater exasperation) I
told you guys we don't need any atomic bombs. (He picks up the bomb.) Now get
this piece of junk out of here!! (He throws it. Cut to footage of a mushroom
cloud, accompanied by SFX of a loud explosion. When we next see STAN and OLLIE,
the background consists of burnt debris where buildings stood seconds earlier.
STAN and OLLIE, surrounded by rubble, slowly stand up. Their clothes are ripped
and they are covered with soot.)
OLLIE: (Long pause) Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.
(STAN scratches his head and cries. FIN comes out of the rubble and throws a
brick at L&H. Blackout.)
~ The end ~
By Eric Perlin
©Copyright 1996, 2005 by Eric Perlin
Cast of characters:
STAN LAUREL
OLIVER HARDY
GENERAL JAMES FINLAYSON
(The Laurel and Hardy theme tune, "Dance of the Cuckoos" is heard, followed by a
medley of old-fashioned instrumental tunes that continue to be heard in the
background for the duration of the film. In the opening shot, there is a
close-up of a sign reading "Pentagon" with an arrow pointing diagonally upwards.
The camera backs up, and we see STAN and OLLIE walking up a steep hill, carrying
a heavy, cumbersome, bullet-shaped object.)
OLLIE: This was a fine idea you had, Stanley. Building our own atomic bomb and
selling it to the Pentagon.
(STAN proudly nods his head and grins, then accidentally drops the bomb on
OLLIE's
foot.)
OLLIE: (Howls in pain.) Why don't you be careful?! Don't you realize the
slightest jar could set this thing off?
STAN: Well, I couldn't help it...
OLLIE: Come on!
(STAN and OLLIE walk a few more steps and arrive at the front door of the
Pentagon building.)
OLLIE: Now let's put it down nice and easy.
(STAN drops it. OLLIE winces.)
OLLIE: (Clutching his heart) I told you to take it easy!
STAN: I dropped it as easily as I could.
(STAN reaches his hand to the door, about to knock. Before STAN can knock, OLLIE
slaps STAN's hand away. OLLIE pompously points to himself, fancifully rotates
his hand in the air, then knocks. After a few seconds, the door quietly opens
while OLLIE's back is to it.)
(GENERAL FIN is at the door, and OLLIE accidentally knocks on his head.)
GENERAL FIN: What can I do for you?
OLLIE: (removes his hat) Good day, Sir. I'm Mister Hardy, and this is my friend
Mister Laurel.
STAN: (holding out his hand) How do you do.
OLLIE: (Unthinkingly shakes STAN's hand) How do you do. (Suddenly catches
himself and shoves STAN's hand down.) We were wondering if we could interest you
in buying our homemade atomic bomb for the Pentagon.
GENERAL FIN: No, thank you. We have orders from the secretary of defense to make
due with the weapons we have, and not to obtain any weapons we would like to
have. (Closes the door.)
STAN: Well, that's that.
OLLIE: "That's that," nothing. Remember, Stanley: A good salesman never takes no
for an answer.
STAN: That's right, Ollie. A bird in the hand is worth a pound of cure, but you
can't count your chickens with one stone.
(OLLIE nods in agreement, then does a take to register bewilderment.)
OLLIE: (irritated) "One stone"! Hmmm!
(OLLIE again knocks at the door. GENERAL FIN answers again. When he sees it's
the same two salesmen, he registers his famous "one-eye" take.)
OLLIE: Pardon this intrusion, but I neglected to mention that this fine bomb is
backed by our limited warrantee.
STAN: That's right. If it goes off accidentally, you get half your money back.
GENERAL FIN: I don't care if I get twice my money back! I told you two nitwits
we are not buying any atom bombs this year! Now beat it! (Slams the door.)
OLLIE: After all that work we did to assemble this thing.
STAN: (Long pause, then his face suddenly lights up, indicating a flash of
inspiration.) I've got an idea. (STAN knocks. GENERAL FIN opens the door yet
again, one eye bulging with even greater exasperation than before. STAN is
smiling obliviously.) Can we take your order for *next* year?
(GENERAL FIN slams the door again.)
STAN: You think we ought to try again?
OLLIE: I most certainly do. After all, what have we got to lose?
(STAN shrugs his shoulders. OLLIE knocks again. GENERAL FIN opens the door
again.)
GENERAL FIN: (Squints one eye again, registering even greater exasperation) I
told you guys we don't need any atomic bombs. (He picks up the bomb.) Now get
this piece of junk out of here!! (He throws it. Cut to footage of a mushroom
cloud, accompanied by SFX of a loud explosion. When we next see STAN and OLLIE,
the background consists of burnt debris where buildings stood seconds earlier.
STAN and OLLIE, surrounded by rubble, slowly stand up. Their clothes are ripped
and they are covered with soot.)
OLLIE: (Long pause) Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into.
(STAN scratches his head and cries. FIN comes out of the rubble and throws a
brick at L&H. Blackout.)
~ The end ~